Latest Tweets:
Every heart vibrates to that iron string.
What say you, to that? | I'm havin' a thought here, Barbosa! | Archive | RSS
I know I’ll understand one day,
but I can’t help this illness.
I feel so torn,
broken and
scattered.
If there was only something,
Something I could do.
There’s not pity party here,
in fact, I feel better when
no one knows.
I can’t tell you
how many times
I’ve wanted to go.
How many times,
I’ve figured out ways I could.
But, then there’s those people out there…
the ones that “love” me.
What does that word even mean?
How do you describe it?
I “love” them too.
If only I could show it…
That will always be my biggest flaw.
Sometimes, as sad as it may seem,
I think ending my life would be the only way to show them I loved them.
I love them so much, I’d die for them.
Every, single, one.
I know I’ll come back and read this and I’ll frown.
I’ll be on some high,
and I’ll find this all to be inane.
But, right now…I know it isn’t.
This is real.
Why am I overwhelmed with this sense of longing
and sadness?
I fight the idea that I’m a bad person,
but maybe it’s true.
Have an anxiety attack…
tell everyone that cares you just haven’t eaten enough…you’re tired…you’re sick.
Why can’t I just ask for help?!
Ya’ know.. Sometimes I think about myself and I completely forget who I have become and immediately regress to my former self. I think…oh, “I’m so clean, so pure, and so happy.” For a while, I’m fooled…but then I look at that sleepy syrup and the blade adjacent to it. I am forced to face the truth, the fact that I am so emotionally vacant, the idea that I don’t belong here and I am nothing but a burden.
I can think of no worse pain than realizing the truth to your unfortunate and self-loathing thoughts. The truth that you’re wrong and that you shouldn’t be thinking that way…the pain is so unbearable because even though you know you’re wrong, you still believe it, you still think those thoughts. And on top of it all, because you think you’re wrong… it just becomes another reason to leave yourself behind.
I just become so numb…so unfeeling and uncaring that I just want to feel and I want to see the self-inflicted pain that I can no longer touch…
I bleed it out. I watch the blade pierce my skin just so…and little bubbles of blood pop out of my body to say “hello, you’re human.” There’s nothing like that blade penetrating the barrier of skin that protects your blood from spilling in and over your thoughts. It’s in my control, I decide when it comes out and when to feel…
It’s so sick.
It’s so twisted.
It’s so relieving.
Fuck.
I’m stronger than this.
I want to want to be here.
I gave in.
I guess it’s time.
Time to move forward.
I’ve sat in the sadness,
this pool of misery,
too long.
It’s time to step out,
pat-dry my legs,
and let my face
drip-dry.
I don’t have another moment
to spend depressed,
there’s no more time
for all of this stress.
So let’s get out,
we may be damp,
but the sun will cure that
with time.
Wear the water proud,
but with no reason to be loud.
Watch it grow thin,
and be live,
you win.
"I want to cut."
depression
"
Me? Oh, no…I’m doing just fine. I am so happy to hear from you. What’s it been…6 months? I appreciate you reaching out to me in your time of need. I have so dearly missed you. I’ll be here for you always and forever. I’ll never abandon you.
But, I’ll probably become so wrapped up in your absence that I’ll hurt all the other people I love. That’s okay, you’re worth it. You’re my oldest friend. You have always been here and I am so lost without you. You loathed me for always having it “together.”
Well, I’m quite broken.
Without you, I’m destroyed.
I don’t know where you went and why you left, but I’m glad you’re coming back…even if only you are upset with me. I am still so happy to hear about you.
I hope you’re well, and I hope that no matter what…I serve some sort of purpose in your life.
"My heart’s longing is for truth, and nothing but.
"
“But I just want to stop feeling.”
“As far as I can tell, there’s only one way to stop feeling and that’s to die.”
“That seems a bit drastic.”
“It is drastic. Perhaps the most drastic thing there is. There are other ways to kill feelings, like drinking a lot or working hard, constantly pushing those around you as far away as possible until there’s no way for you to reach out to them, but ultimately, the only way to completely stop feeling, forever, is to die.”
“I’m not sure I’m ready for that.”
“Good. You’ll be a better person for it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that the most interesting, amazing people I’ve ever met, the ones who influenced and shaped the universe itself, are the ones that felt too much, but lived through it.”
“That sounds hard.”
“It is. It involves living.”
"Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You
